Finding Love Online

I've discovered internet dating!

It's actually not the end of the world; it's something people apparently do. If this month's True Love is to be believed, there's this lady who found her love online. At the age of 34, she had never been in a relationship (never had a boyfriend) and moved half way across the world to the US to be with her intended who she found on the web. They've had 2 weddings (to each other) and now have a son. I give it a dry twist, but it is a cool story. And the man in question is rather fetching if photoshop was not employed. So why not? I must wonder though at how one goes through 34 years without ever having been in a relationship. Isn't that super tough? I expect that the reasons we have exes is to learn about the other sex and improve our relationship skills. And I don't mean in bed, I mean just.Men and women are so desperately different, you need training wheels before marriage.

So far, my attempts have not been very successful. I'm yet to meet any of the people I've chatted with. Quite frankly, there's only 1 I'd be interested in meeting, but let's see how that pans out. If the blog changes name to 30-Something Wife, you'll know things went well :-) But I have had interesting conversations and that's not always easy to come by, much less with strangers.

It's a little funny that I'm not embarrassed by my attempts to find love online. I figured that I would be all hush hush about it and that if anything worked out with a loose Tom, we'd have to come up with a fake story of how we met for family, friends and children's benefit. Asking the web had in my mind been a sure sign of failure. Now I don't really care. Maybe the sense of impropriety fades with age ..

What the?!

I've been a terrible blogger. If there's e-confession for things like that, I'll sign me up!

So there's this strange guy who's been darting me. Strange, you ask? We start with the part where he's Congolese and married with kids. In our first conversation, he did little to hide the fact that he likes chicks and tries to get around as much as he can while he's away from the wife. I made the ill advised decision to share my contact details with him (I know..) and what do you know? I'm being quasi stalked. He has been calling near tears saying he doesn't understand why I'm being so cold to him. When I stopped answering his calls, he resorted to WhatsApp. The oddest thing? His WhatsApp picture is of his wife! In her wedding gown!!!

I've honestly been beginning to wonder what happened while I was looking in the opposite direction. In 1 week I met 2 guys separately in casual settings who went about emphasizing their view that I'd better pounce (on them) because they're rare and I'd be liable to miss out. Really?

If you've been reading this and wondering what I'm on about, being a single girl above 30 isn't the same as being a leper in the olden days. We're not craving for what scrap of attention we can get from the table of your masculinity. We will not suddenly drop dead if you or one of your ilk don't offer us casual sex. (For crying out loud we're women ... we can get sex at the drop of a hat!) We don't necessarily like being single but it's a lot friendlier than being saddled up with such conversation.

And yes since the point has moved in that direction, I believe that all women can get sex whenever they want it, although not necessarily from the people they'd primarily want it from. I said it.

Man from Above

So now the other day I came to the office whistling a light tune and at peace with the universe. Then the most unexpected thing happened.I got to the door fumbling with my bags and trying to fish out my access card from those creases it hides in every day when lo & behold I had a vision. The single most beautiful man I had ever seen. He looked like he'd been carefully & meticulously chiseled out of tall dark smooth stone by the gods of good looks who took their time with the task. He just stood there all nonchalant deep in conversation with someone my mind didn't register ... I was in a daze. Then he turns his gaze to me. And I quickly curse the fact that I didn't have the foresight to come to work in a dinner dress. Eyes lock. I'm enchanted. Just can't look away. Or do anything else for that mantter. A gentle smile. I could have fallen to the ground. Then idiot work mates come in behind me and break the moment (which in all fairness couldn't have lasted for more than a couple of seconds). I'm forced to gather my wits from all across the floor and go to my desk.

And as fate would have it, he was attending a meeting in a room not too far from where I sit. He had the voice of Angels singing to inform the shepherds of the birth in Bethlehem. But as fate would have it, I had a full day meeting booked off-site. Which was probably a good thing for my employer as I would never have gotten any work done otherwise.

I never saw him again and have no idea who he was.

That was the best work-morning I've ever had ...

Society's Unforgiving View of Singles

I've generally been settled if not a little apprehensive about my singly status, but all has generally been ok. I don't know if it's me, but of late I've been feeling the societal push on my back. Every where I go, it's this and that about marriage, couples, babies ... To be quite frank I'm getting a little sick of it all. To give you an example so you know I'm not just being a disgruntled single woman, let me walk you through a couple of instances in my weekend:

I was buying shoes and while negotiating price (I told him I didn't have the amount he'd quoted), the guy tells me na si I just call 'mzee' for m-pesa. And he goes on to give me a couple of choice tidbits about his own marriage and his wife's charming shenanigans. I smile politely and participate in the conversation, coz after all, who's not in a relationship? Right?!

I was drinking with some married guys and the conversation moved to something or other to do with family and when my opinion was sought a guy promptly chimed in "She wouldn't know; she's not a mother". I felt suitably slapped, took a deep breath and had a swallow. I know some may not understand why I was miffed, so I explain: unless we're talking about labour pains, I can have a comment on things parenthood as I live in society and pick things up. It's a bit like giving your opinion about paraplegics; you don't have to be one to have an opinion!

I went for a movie and the guy checking tickets at the door didn't quite hide his surprise as he looked around me and asked "1 only?" subtext: "You're alone???!!!??!! The horror!!"

The examples are many. And that's just this weekend! Point is, I have a hard enough time being single without having it rubbed in my face every step of the way. But I guess that's societies way of pushing for a balanced fully paired society!

Three is Company too

While I was away I learnt 3 things:

1. Love sucks
2. Always be your own Number 1
3. Pray

I was in an almost relationship that didn't work out and that, together with love, sucks. One can always seek consolation in the knowledge that there are so many relationships out there that are so fundamentally shot to hell that at times being alone sounds like a full fledged party.

Anyhoo, to lighter notes, a chick once grabbed my ass at a bar. No, she did not lightly brush against me, she was not passing in the opposite direction and accidentally graze by and she was not seeking out my wallet (seeing as I'm a girl who carries a purse). We were on a dance floor and the woman grabbed my butt! I was shocked beyond measure! Cannot begin to explain what went though my head. My reaction was I gathered my wits and avoided her like the plague seeing as she was eager to make many a pass near my rear!

So the question of the day (give me my 15 minutes of talk show hosting please) is this: what's all this about bi-curious women in Nairobi? Myth or reality? And 3-somes?

On my part, I've never been in a 3-some and was meant to experience it vicariously through a male pal who was promised a chick sandwich (though it turned out to be a hoax). What if you end up being .. you know .. a third wheel (think Ross Geller & his lesbian wife). Isn't that like the worst possible thing that could happen to your ego? And being chicks, will you spend half the time comparing your ass to hers?!

Life must be hard enough without certain other complications!

Gentlemen of Jazz - Sierra Lounge

The Sierra Platinum Lounge pulled a novel one on the Kenyan scene and held a Jazz night this past Saturday. The Gentlemen part of it sounded spectacularly interesting so I though why not? A couple of girlfriends and I made it a plan.

I'm not much of a socialite but the idea of an evening jazz event complete with dinner struck me as a non-jeans event. So I went out of my way and picked out a dress (I never wear dresses other than at weddings and even then it's with effort) for the evening. As I was feeling very un-me-ish (what with the dress and all) I got there on time. 7:30pm sharp which was the time the event was slotted to begin.

My first impression of the venue was disappointing. The chairs had been arranged  the way they would be at a press conference; lined up facing the stage. I'd expected table seating. Then the venue is filled with pillars that seemingly erect themselves when your not looking blocking the view of the stage.

With my initial frown out of the way, I sat me down next to my pals and ordered up a drink. Being your average Kenyan I was very watchful of how the drinks were being dispensed. You see the admittance promised dinner and drinks so I wasn't sure if it was 1, 2 or 3 per person. Again as an average Kenyan, you can imagine the pulse of joy that hit me when I realized it was an open bar. They could belt out all the crap they wanted in the name of jazz but I'd still be happy.

It quickly became apparent that a jazz event is not the venue to snag yourself a man in this country. Absolutely all men present (save perhaps for the waiters) were accounted for. The one guy who seemed to be staring inquisitively at a far away spot in the horizon thus garnering himself an air of sophisticated mystery was probably just short sighted and trying to make out the band. And besides, his chick turned up before long.

So the first guy on stage was Anto Neo Soul. He has a good voice and sings well. For me, this was overshadowed by the way he went ahead to lecture us a number of times. First he called out the guys for not making an effort to dress up. Then he called all of us out for daring to speak in a pedestrian manner while attending a jazz event .. He called for more sophistication from his audience. Then he told us he was famous coz he's in Shugga ... Ita waaaaiter!!!

Next up was "The Itch". These guys blew my mind! I'd seen the main singing guy (who's name I can't recall or find online) walking around the lounge and had thought that he looked familiar in a commonplace manner. Kind of like that face that's always there at some music event or other. When he stepped up to the mic I realized that he was very far from the boy-next-door. And the way he carried those notes with eyes shut and head thrown back in total engrossment, made him very sexy indeed with his small shirt, fitting jeans and loose dreadlocks (Spinster focus!). I was happy. There's him but there's also the band. The way those guys played made it clear that they had a very personal relationship with their instruments and their fond interaction had payed off. I'm a rock fan myself and what those guys did on stage satiated my rock loving soul.

Maqbul was host and that was a good thing as he has an easy sense of humour and a great deep voice. So he informs us that Change Quartet (which had been my star attraction to the event) had changed its name to something that sounded like Gabon (maybe Cabon? Quoi bonne?) So seems they lost one of their number being the sax guy. And seems said sax guy pulled a dramatic move little before they were to get on stage. The show must go on. That being said they were OK. Couldn't help feeling a little sorry for them. Especially since they were playing immediately after such an itchingly brilliant performance.

For the Kenyans I must explain this. Dinner was made up of an array of bitings. I know that when I say this, what comes to mind are fish fingers, chicken wings and prawns. No. I think that what they served draws from the very etymology of the word - a bite. You'd get those Chinese ceramic soup spoons with a carefully measured cube of say pork on it. Then there was the fishy thing I came to learn was lobster. The oily thing I came to learn was lamb & rice. And a wonderful soup. To my great chagrin, these small servings filled me up. And besides, as a kawaida Kenyan, drinks through an open bar are far more impressive than food.

All in all I'd say it was a worthwhile evening.

Settling

I find that a lot of my friends have gotten themselves into relationships. Contrary to what I may have expected of myself, I'm not actually jealous. It's sad being left behind in the "not-picked pile". Sort of makes me think of that movie that would always come around Christmas time about a train that carried orphans across the US in the hope that they would find families to adopt them. I think everyone gets taken in the end, but I always think how awful for them as they go along and contemplate their fate! What if they're never picked? Anyhoo, back to the line of thought, I find that a number of my friends seem to have settled. They didn't find the man/woman they would have wanted, so are making do with the ones they're with. (Of course some are ecstatically happy with partners presented to them by cupid himself .. (*curses under breath*))

I find this so very sad. I know I'm probably a hopeless romantic but, No! People shouldn't settle for anyone else than their hearts desire, should they? My pal recently told me he's aging (he's in his early 30's) and his Mama is convenient. He doesn't have the energy or the time to go around searching for a soulmate, so he's settling. We'll be taking mbuzi's soon. Another lady I know says she's now looking to be kept by an older married man. At 40, she doesn't still harbour dreams of finding her own man.

How do these relationships progress? Does say the Mama in my pal's case know that she was just at the right place at the right time? If she does, does she care? Is she just so glad to have a man that she let's this slide? Does this come to affect their sex lives with each partner seeking fulfillment elsewhere? Is this the phenomena that keeps Jimmie Gathu gainfully employed in his'Fikiria' campaigns? Again for the other lady, is there a shelf life? A sell-by date? What is one to do if they find themselves rapidly approaching it?

In a slightly related story, apparently women in the southern part of this continent find women like me (and as such most women in Kenya I guess) very selfish. How dare you declare you want a man all to yourself? What about your fellow sisters? Have you no concern for them & society as a whole? There are not enough good men to go round! Mscheeeew!!!

I say live & let live!