Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Evil That Women Do

My ilk is a vilified lot. We’re the evil ones intent on stealing men away. At the bridal showers I’ve gone to, I’ve noticed repeated emphasis on the bride’s need to distance herself from the single lady friends that she is leaving behind? Why? Coz apparently we are the very spawn of the devil waiting on the sidelines to steal husbands away! You might think it strange or odd but it’s very true. I’ve lost a quite number of friends through marriage (what, after sleepless nights planning their big day and running around to get the right shade of turquoise earrings as the crazy woman will have nothing less for her line up!). I don’t hold it against them and wish them the very best (selfish little twits!)

If society and old wives were to be believed, women like me spend their waking hours pondering on how best to seduce husbands away. I would be more indignant on this except that it’s unfortunately true. How many stories have I heard of grooms sleeping with best maids both before and after the wedding? How many times have harmless friendships between man and friend turned into crazy romances. Heck, my friends fiancĂ© was stolen from under her feet by her pal who got pregnant and was married by said fiancĂ©. We are indeed our own worst enemies.

But the plot thickens. I’ve noticed that when my male pals get into relationships, they don’t introduce me to the woman of choice. You know I’m not interested in you so why not introduce me so I can be happy for you. I was surprised to find that they actually go out of their way to hide the very fact that they are in a relationship. That I find very odd behaviour. Well I did until my pal was dumped by his obviously insecure new-chick after an introduction to a female friend. New-chick told him that there was no way that they were just friends and she couldn’t stand the thought of his hanging out with the woman … (little twit). They did get back together and are (supposedly by mistake) expecting a child. The visits to homes will come soon but the law has been set and is reinforced by landmines.

Having looked at both sides of the coin, we must agree that not all women are the same. There’s a clique of guys I drink with who are all married. They know they’ll never get anywhere with me (having tried and listened to me go on and on about the importance of marriage only stopping short of whipping out a bible) so they have no qualms bringing their ‘fungees’ to the table (mortise is to tenon as funga is to fungee). The lasses are invariably young with sparkling eyes that belie their great expectations in life. They make good conversation and are affectionate to said men. My conscious is clear as I don’t know their wives (and even if I did, my loyalty lies with the men since they were my pals first) and not being their pastor, I don’t need to be the voice of reason.

I guess in short, what I’m trying to say is that you can’t ever be too careful about your man. This idea of ‘lending’ your man out to help out your pal (as a strange girlfriend of mine does (and no, not to me)) is simply dumb. Your pal will get sorted in ways you’ve only read of in sordid erotica books. On the other hand, if he’s head bent on straying, he will. And finally, there are women out there like yours truly who’s looking for her own man and not the left overs from your dinner table.

Role Play

I was out with some pals of mine this weekend (all single boys and girls) and the conversation invariably turned to this aspect of ‘singlehood’ and what to do about it. My fellow sisters, don’t be fooled; the single guys are also concerned about their non-propagated status and many in their number would like nothing more than to settle down with a Mrs. and a couple of kids. However, that particular problem just does not seem to capture their every waking moments as it seems to do with us. We were just lucky that Nancy Drew was a single girl otherwise societal pressure would have started even earlier, well and truly from all quarters (aside: this weekend, think twice before buying your unsuspecting niece Barbie and Ken dolls …)

Anyhoo, we got to talking about the reversal of roles and societal expectations. We agreed that there are many men who would like the best of both worlds. They want a wife with the liberation and financial muscle of Condoleezza Rice packaged with the home making skills of their mothers. There’s the debate about cooking and I well and truly wonder about it. Take me. I live alone. When I get home, if I don’t feel like cooking, I don’t. Life goes on. Now ati Baba Not-Yet-Born-Nani comes home at 6pm on a Thursday night, reads my text explaining that I am in a meeting and will be back late, plants himself in front of the tele and awaits my return at 9pm to tell me he’s hungry and would like me to cook chapos?! How now? Without being seen to advocate for women’s lib, isn’t there something wrong with that scenario. Don’t insist on shouting from the rooftops that that is a woman’s role as she may be tempted to resign from her job and become a housewife claiming work to be your turf!

I don’t think that scenarios such as the above should be the beginning of world-war-3 but I do believe that there are equity concerns that come to mind.

Hellish heat at 17 Degrees?

I very recently came to the conclusion that I’m a tom-boy. I greatly enjoy my comfort and, for instance, don’t greatly feel the need to plaster my face with layers upon layer of makeup (It’s uncomfortable and potentially messy) to be accepted by society. I’m rather content with being myself so won’t deck out in killer heels and impossibly short skirts to be noticed. That this is not feminine behaviour has been drummed into my head whenever I walk around this town. What women wear is just amazing. I’ve often had to lift my jaw from the floor when my attention was grabbed by the chick dressed in a skirt that was so short, you almost thought you’d imagined it, coupled with heels that seemed designed to enable one see above the Eiffel Tower! And all this in a banking hall!

Which reminds me that I was out on the rave the other day, sensibly dressed in flats, jeans and a jacket. (We often joke with a pal who dresses similarly when out, that compared to the other females, we might as well have carried our blankets from our beds!) It’s really cold, but a look around would have had you thinking that the day of reckoning was upon us and hell’s furnaces had been opened to scorch the sinful of the earth. That fashion beats the weather is the understatement of the year! Anyhoo, as I enjoy the night holding myself from high-fiving the DJ for his great mixing choice, my attention is grabbed by this poor small girl who can hardly walk in her choice of outfit. That she can’t seat is obvious to all, but her efforts at prancing around while hiding from view what should only be seen (that night) by the guy leading her to their table is sad. Why really do we insist on doing this while the greatest achievement it could lead to is landing in someone’s bed? Well perhaps that’s why I’m still single!

Mind Your Language

The other day I was at a party with a wide array of people including a couple of workmates. At one point, a single lady and I were talking to a guy who is like our bosses boss (a foreigner) when he ever so casually drops into conversation: "It's funny about Kenya. There are so many spinsters above the age of 30".

There was a shocked silence. It was like there was a planetary alignment and the universe gasped in awe at the callous statement. He went on talking about how things are done in his home town and we had to attract his attention to the fact that we felt as though he'd just slapped us in the face. (Would you believe he was surprised?)

If you're wondering what I'm on about, that's not a statement to use in everyday conversation. In fact it shouldn't be used anywhere except in classical literature. The 'S' word is only used to head this blog in jest. I don't consider being single at 30-something odd (though some of my relatives may not agree). Why, most of my friends are single.

Be mindful of what you say.

The Introduction

This blog is an idea that has been stewing at the back of my mind for sometime and since I have a couple of days off I thought "why not make a go at this?"

I had a few posts ready, so I'll get straight to it.

Happy reading and Karibu.