Thursday, February 23, 2012

5 Cheers for Women

I was challenged to write something about women that wasn’t in any way negative. No ‘my life is so hard because I’m a woman’ brouhaha … It was much tougher than I expected. Why? Coz it’s so much easier to laugh at the strangely inappropriate than to state happy facts.

Well here goes happy fact No. 1: I like being a woman coz we have breasts. I said it. I mean, as a jamaa you can’t really go round with low cut jeans showing off your junk. That’s just crude, crass & disgusting. With boobies on the other hand, it’s a given. I happen to be happily endowed and am always at a loss at what I get away with because of them twins.

Happy Fact No.2: You must have no qualms about using your femininity to get what you want. I’m not telling you to sleep with the boss to get promoted (that’s so 1980’s – and besides, if you really must, aim for the boss’ boss’ boss. More practical returns .. but I digress). Wear that short skirt if it will make your meeting go better. Lash out into tears when confronted by traffic cops for making an illegal turn … while talking on the phone … with expired insurance. Hold the bulb under the sink to clean it so someone else jumps to your rescue to change the bulb (and spare you electrocution). There’s no shame in it. That’s my story & I’m sticking to it!

Happy fact No.3 is the miracle of motherhood. I’m not so blessed as to have kids but watching my mother friends, I’ve realized that the mother-child bond is like no other. It’s unique, beautiful and well worth the effort of the pushing. God bless all mothers.

Happy Fact No. 4 – it seems that the male child was forgotten somewhere in Kenya’s (not-so) recent past and as a result, there are now more upwardly mobile women. I’ve heard many a guy complain that the tables are terribly turned against them and that given a chance, an equal opportunity employer is more likely to hire a girl than a chap. It’s thus a happy time to be female.

Happy Fact No. 5 – we’re generally speaking cleaner, neater, safer & fresher to be around. That must count for something no? I’m reaching huh? Alright, give us a No. 5 that fits the bill!

This evening, smile at a woman near you & tell her she’s lucky.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Neighbour's Man

My neighbours man is too friendly.

Ok .. I take 3 steps back. I have a new neighbour. She's quiet and generally keeps to herself but there's always the friendly 'hello' in the corridor. I recently noticed that a man seems to have moved in. That's quite fine seeing as flats do not a hostel make. But now I've noticed that he seems to be hanging out their door whenever I'm leaving/around mine. You can't really tell what he's doing there, but he's always eager to snatch up any morsels of conversation he can. By golly there's a day I all but ran away from him .. And he managed to catch up!

Why is this so terrible you wonder? Perhaps I should be flattered by the attention? Giggling girlishly at the door whenever I know he's near? No. The expression don't shit where you eat could not be truer here (yes I know you both eat and shit in the comfort of you own home, but work with me here..). I'll say it without apology: women are the worst.Terrible with a capital 'T'. And there's little worse than a woman who thinks you're trying to snatch her man away from her. Ask me, I'd know. I lost a friend who I'd considered all but a sister because my then man said she'd tried to her moves on him. Turns out he was lying (sorry girl) but the irreparable damage was done.

Now imagine me coming home to burning curtains because I paused to ask my neighbour's (good looking) gentleman friend for the time? No thank you! I'd rather be the neighbour he considers quiet & strange