Sunday, March 13, 2011

Relationships gone to Hell

I often think that it's very unfortunate being a chick. There should be a 3rd option which we should have the freedom to choose once were 21 (... well maybe 30). You see women love whole heartedly with all their being. They give their all and their soul to this person whom they have earmarked as their own.

Why is this a tragedy? Meet a few ladies below (names obviously false):

Mary - A girl from a rich family. She fell in love and dropped out of high school at form 3 to go live with her lover, a matatu tout no less. She got pregnant and was disowned by her family. Last I heard, she had 4 kids with this bloke, lived in a bedsitter in Eastleigh and he had so many wives/girlfriends that Akuku Danger (rest his soul in peace) would have been impressed. She loves him.

Maggie - She's in love with a married man. By the time she made the conscious decision to fall pregnant with his child, she was well aware that he had 3 wives in 3 countries but somehow beleived that she would be the one to tame him. Her baby is now 7 and she has a good enough job to take care of her. But you know what the worst part is? She still gets hurt whenever she doesn't manage to garner a decent amount of time from Baby Daddy for herself. She loves him.

Magdalene - Her situation is just sad. They've been going out for about 3 weeks and she feels he's the man for her. He doesn't even seem to like her. He'll go out with her together with all his boys and relatives and their friends (and friends' friends) and she'll foot the bill (forget that everyone else also works). Never mind that there's a girl in the pack who the object of her affection is untowardly friendly to and doesn't hide this fact even in Magdalene's presence. He'll drive behind her to her place (leaving the boys in place and insisting that Magdalene needs to get an early start for her tomorrow), have his way with her (if she's lucky) and ask her for money. She'll provide and pretend that she doesn't know that he's going back to entertain the rest with her money (questionable chick included). Should she raise query about his behaviour, he'll throw a tantrum and threaten to leave her for not trusting him. And the worst part is, after he's gotten his fill of the chick, he'll be the one to dump her and leave her crying after him and wonderig why. Because she loved him.

Marjorie - She's a battered woman. To the outside world, she has everything any woman would want. A loving husband, adorable kids, a great job and a bright future. Come home and her nightmare begins. He beats her for anything from having moved the remote to their children's dismal grades. The level of beatings change with his mood. Can be a smack or a blow. It started out in private but now happens infront of the kids and seems likely to graduate to infront of guests. She's had to explain many a walking into closet doors and falling down stairs. "I'm so clumsy," she explains with a smile. Why does she stay? Because she loves him.

Mercy - She's also a powerful woman in a highflying industry with a great job. She multi tasks like a combine harvester and always has energy to do more and more. She's married to this dude who has no job. Hasn't had a job in the last 10 years and isn't looking for one. Not that he helps around the house. Nooo. He can't be bothered to get the kids up and dressed for school, can't be bothered to keep the house neat, can't be bothered to change the light bulb and can't even be bothered to check the kids' homework. That's a woman's job. She comes home from work for him to lift his head from the couch and ask "what's for dinner?". She stays because her kids need a father figure. And she loves him.

Mildred - She got married out of pure love. She beleived that a love like theirs had never been seen before. It was the stuff of real fairy tales. He was a successful businessman and he convinced her to drop out of college. After all, a wife as lovely as she was would never need to work a day in her life. He'd take care of all her needs. Fast forward 13 years on and she's contemplating suicide. He takes care of their 3 kids to a fault but loaths her. Why, even her children treat her with a level of disdain. And he encourages them. He does all the shopping pays all the fees and bills and she has to go through the humilliation of asking him for money for pads. She has no life outside her home and that has slowly turned into a prison. He brings odd women home every ones in a while and has a go with them in the guesthouse. The only reason he doesn't kick her out of their matrimonial bed to do his deeds with these women is that he has too much respect for the kids. His 'gachuguas' are better kept than her who needs to explain with the aid of a power point presentation why it is she needs money for a new outfit. She doesn't love him anymore more.

This is unfortunately only the tip of the iceberg. If you're single, stop beating yourself up over it and say a silent prayer for the women in the above situation.

The Chips Act

Here's a forward I got this weekend. Lol!

The provisions of the CHIPS ACT are as follows:
1.       Section 2(1) provides that a chips shall always appear in a club looking fresh. Sweaty mamas wakae home.
2.       A chips shall never ask for payment after a night of sec.........luded fun in a secluded place. Chipsing is free. Asking for credit, fare back home shall be taken as asking for payment and will result in disciplinary action.
3.       Chips should never come to the club with mummy,  daddy or girlfriend issues. Clubs are happy places - shida zako wacha home.
4.       Chips should never leave stuff at a man's place so as to get an excuse to come back later. Any stuff left shall be properly disposed by the man and he shall not be liable for any loss whatsoever.
5.       Chips should remember the way they  use to the man's residence because on the day after, no chips should expect to be seen off the stage. In fact if possible, don't wake the man up,..........just leave
6.       In relation to sub section 5, a chips should never ever steal or borrow anything from the man's residence. This offence is tantamount to treason and is punishable. It should further be noted that going with the man's jacket or pullover just coz its cold shall be deemed as stealing.
7.       A chips shall practice full disclosure before she's fungwad. Full disclosure includes disclosing whether her hair or teeth are fake, whether she has a medical condition, or whether the club's neon lights makes her look hotter than she really is.
8.       Chips shall leave other pals after meeting with the man. Bringing an extra mama will be taken to mean that the man is being propositioned for a 3-some.
9.       No chips shall disclose any secrets that the man might tell her when he's tipsy. Neither shall she disclose to other people where the man lives. It is a serious offence for a chips to warn other chips that the man is a serial chipser.
 10.   No chips shall come to the club at "that time of the month" and if she does she should disclose this in good time. Failure to disclose this before proceeding to the man's residence, the said chips shall reimburse the man full costs e.g cab fare, cost of drinks, Opportunity cost (i.e the cost of incurred by foregoing/ missing out on the other available chips).
11.   We live in a dangerous world. Chips shall accept to be eaten with sauce. Not vinegar or mustard but sauce. Always remember, kuna chips imekarangwa na transformer oil.
12.   Chips shall accept the fact that they are CHIPS. Any insisting on otherwise is an offence. The only exception to this provision is when the man expressly, in writing or orally, tells the chips otherwise or a certain period has passes and the chips is still pleasing the man. However, this period shall be set by the senate in consultation with parliament. In that case, the chips will be required to make an offer for change in status quo and the man shall accept. Only then shall the chips become the legal wife of the man.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Cheats & Cheating

There's this new 'epuka ukimwi' ad that has Jimmy Gathu materializing into a bedroom to give a lecture on the financial implications of the Gachugwa on the errant man's pocket. Other than the humerous lashing it got from Zuqka's Philip a week or so ago ("Jimmy is having his coming out party with a calculator in hand" you know .. coz he comes out of a closet) there are a number of troubling things about that ad.

But today's post is not soo much about the ad but its message. We all know that a disproportionately high number of partners within the union of marriage cheat. I'll state early on that this is not something that is peculiar to men. A large number of women also engage in this. I've heard too many tear wrenching accounts of brides who walk in on her groom to be and best maid doing the nasty on the day before the wedding and proceeded to say 'I do' the next day as well as stories of men who busted their wives with their (wive's) bosses contorted in impractical angles.

Probably because I'm on the outside looking in, I just don't understand the reasoning behind cheating. I mean, you made us changa for and attend your wedding which is a day we'll never get back. No one forced you to go down that route so why jeopardize it? Is it the thrill of the forbidden fruit? Is it because spouse doesn't appreciate you? Is it because the sex at home is no good? Does the cheating help?

I don't judge. Just wonder.