Hostilities on a Good Day

This Good Friday, I went for the Way of the Cross procession at my local church (you know .. where you see a usually small group of mismatched people walking slowly and blocking half the road for seemingly no apparent reason .. yeap that's us *blushes* (and that's the reason)). So anyhoo, they changed the book we'd be using without fore-warning so I was forced to peek over people's shoulders or just force my way by their side to keep up. It's not a big deal really .. or well, it shouldn't be. This is a church function for goodness sake so if you can't share on Good Friday, humanity may be in more trouble than we might think (sorry .. just got through an apocalyptic novel today).

Most people didn't mind sharing their books .. and those who did, I bullied into submission. Don't worry .. this is the part where we get to my story. I am totally unbiased in who I'll seek assistance from. It was like musical chairs. Where the music stopped (quite literally) I moved closer to whoever nearby had a book. So somewhere along the way, a man, maybe 10 years my senior, had a book and I moved closer. I immediately sensed unease. As I was not groping him in a dark alley, I figured it had nothing to do with me. Then a lady who had stopped slightly ahead suddenly leaned heavily (and unnecessarily) on him. The declaration of territory. She quickly scanned my hands for a ring, and seeing none, somewhat glared at me. I saw no reason why all three of us couldn't read from the same page and just be friends .. It's the Holy Week for crying out loud! I became acutely aware of the man's discomfort and wondered at my lot. All this took place in the span of 5 minutes or less, but in that period, I had to ask myself when I'd became such a social pariah .. The Single Women: Snatcher of Husbands even in church! Nkt!

In her defence, maybe her man has a wandering eye, but that really has nothing to do with me. If your man is a strayer, he will stray even if you shoot and kill all the women you see him with. From the stories I've heard from my male pals, they've become rather clever about hiding their indiscretions & they're never with the people you expect. Spare the new young & perky secretary in his office some slack and give a closer look at your best maid ...

The Teachings of 2013

Apologies are over-done .. let's just get on with it, shall we?

I've been thinking that I should put down tales of my misses from last year .. you know, the type of things that could only happen to me ..

1. The West African

Do you remember the photo guy? That happened in Nigeria. True to form, I was in Ghana at same point last year for work and was once again put up in a hotel. I got in on a Sunday afternoon and managed to do a little sight-seeing while gorging myself with snacks. I chose to skip supper because:

a)      I would be up by Nairobi time which would be 3 hours before everyone else.

b)      I was enjoying a sugar high from the junk I’d eaten so didn’t need to eat.

c)      Last and probably most honest, I figured that I could save some money in the knowledge that breakfast there comprises full meals of chicken, rice and beef.

As expected, I got up rather early (maybe 4am Accra time) and got some work done while waiting for breakfast time which started at 6am. By 6am, I was all showered and famished. I bound my way down to the restaurant almost skipping to a tune in my mind and picked a table. I started off with some fruits and sat myself down, happy with myself. Now, totally unexpected and out of the blue, a well clad, nice smelling and relatively handsome Ghanaian man chose to come join me at my table. I didn’t really mind and welcomed the chatter that ensued. He also started his meal off with fruits. 

As one would expect, we both moved to the 2^nd part of our meal at the same time. I went about picking my chicken, rice, veggies, sausages, and God only knows what else. I got back to the table first and happily tucked in. By now, I’m guessing you already know where this story is headed. Mr. Super-Health-Consciousness came back with a small portion of baked beans and a sausage … How now! Needless to say, he polished off his entire meal before I’d finished tackling my chicken and was off to a (possibly fictitious) meeting he had to attend.

*sigh*

2. The Cheap Guy

I chanced upon some fellow one drunken night out and we got into entertaining conversation including our announcing to everyone that we had been married for 7 years and were the perfect couple (blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol ..). So anyway, before we parted ways that night while exchanging numbers I noticed that he was driving a slick navy blue Mercedes Benz coupe. I’m not one to base friendship on such flimsy things as cars driven, but it must be said, I noticed it.

Next time we met, he showed up in a sleek metallic grey BMW 1 Series which is a car I really like. Next time after that, he was in a beat up Subaru that had been in more than its fair share of accidents. After that? You guessed it! He was on foot! Something about his car being in the shop .. As I like to think of myself as a level headed woman who doesn’t care about material things, I didn’t make too much of it all.Of course I did wonder if he were a driver, poor man, beggar man or thief (seeing as rich man was off the table).

What tipped the balance is when he took me out for dinner. You need to understand .. he booked me in advance for this .. We met up (obviously I was now the one driving) and he gave me directions .. To a bar! And ordered chips & sausage. Even a Thirty-something-year-old has her limits! Things didn’t last too long after that.

*sigh*

3. The Psycho

This was a friend of mine with whom things took that turn. I won’t say it’s never a good idea to fall for a friend but in this case, it didn’t work out for me. We loved each other’s company and were always laughing so those who heard of the shift in gear in the nature of our relationship were not too surprised and were happy for us. I won’t bore you with the fluffy happiness of the initial part of the story but will go straight to the point.

One fine evening while at his place, he took a hold of my arm and casually mentioned how easy it would be for him to break it. No .. you don’t have to go back re-read it .. that’s what he actually said. Soon thereafter there was a question that made my blood run cold: “Does anyone know you’re here?” Wa! Wa! Wa! How now! Can you say Psycho! I’d like to report that I gathered myself up in a huff while shouting at him “Get away from me you Hannibal Lecter!” but alas .. I was too happy to be in the rise of potential love that I gave all this a blind eye. It all ended not too long thereafter due to other reasons, but with hindsight I thank God dearly .. perhaps my body would now be lying in an unmarked grave in his backyard while he tends to the blossoming roses above my head …

*shudder*

The teachings of 2013 to me were that being single is not all bad! 

Have an optimistic week ahead!

Finding Love Online

I've discovered internet dating!

It's actually not the end of the world; it's something people apparently do. If this month's True Love is to be believed, there's this lady who found her love online. At the age of 34, she had never been in a relationship (never had a boyfriend) and moved half way across the world to the US to be with her intended who she found on the web. They've had 2 weddings (to each other) and now have a son. I give it a dry twist, but it is a cool story. And the man in question is rather fetching if photoshop was not employed. So why not? I must wonder though at how one goes through 34 years without ever having been in a relationship. Isn't that super tough? I expect that the reasons we have exes is to learn about the other sex and improve our relationship skills. And I don't mean in bed, I mean just.Men and women are so desperately different, you need training wheels before marriage.

So far, my attempts have not been very successful. I'm yet to meet any of the people I've chatted with. Quite frankly, there's only 1 I'd be interested in meeting, but let's see how that pans out. If the blog changes name to 30-Something Wife, you'll know things went well :-) But I have had interesting conversations and that's not always easy to come by, much less with strangers.

It's a little funny that I'm not embarrassed by my attempts to find love online. I figured that I would be all hush hush about it and that if anything worked out with a loose Tom, we'd have to come up with a fake story of how we met for family, friends and children's benefit. Asking the web had in my mind been a sure sign of failure. Now I don't really care. Maybe the sense of impropriety fades with age ..

What the?!

I've been a terrible blogger. If there's e-confession for things like that, I'll sign me up!

So there's this strange guy who's been darting me. Strange, you ask? We start with the part where he's Congolese and married with kids. In our first conversation, he did little to hide the fact that he likes chicks and tries to get around as much as he can while he's away from the wife. I made the ill advised decision to share my contact details with him (I know..) and what do you know? I'm being quasi stalked. He has been calling near tears saying he doesn't understand why I'm being so cold to him. When I stopped answering his calls, he resorted to WhatsApp. The oddest thing? His WhatsApp picture is of his wife! In her wedding gown!!!

I've honestly been beginning to wonder what happened while I was looking in the opposite direction. In 1 week I met 2 guys separately in casual settings who went about emphasizing their view that I'd better pounce (on them) because they're rare and I'd be liable to miss out. Really?

If you've been reading this and wondering what I'm on about, being a single girl above 30 isn't the same as being a leper in the olden days. We're not craving for what scrap of attention we can get from the table of your masculinity. We will not suddenly drop dead if you or one of your ilk don't offer us casual sex. (For crying out loud we're women ... we can get sex at the drop of a hat!) We don't necessarily like being single but it's a lot friendlier than being saddled up with such conversation.

And yes since the point has moved in that direction, I believe that all women can get sex whenever they want it, although not necessarily from the people they'd primarily want it from. I said it.

Man from Above

So now the other day I came to the office whistling a light tune and at peace with the universe. Then the most unexpected thing happened.I got to the door fumbling with my bags and trying to fish out my access card from those creases it hides in every day when lo & behold I had a vision. The single most beautiful man I had ever seen. He looked like he'd been carefully & meticulously chiseled out of tall dark smooth stone by the gods of good looks who took their time with the task. He just stood there all nonchalant deep in conversation with someone my mind didn't register ... I was in a daze. Then he turns his gaze to me. And I quickly curse the fact that I didn't have the foresight to come to work in a dinner dress. Eyes lock. I'm enchanted. Just can't look away. Or do anything else for that mantter. A gentle smile. I could have fallen to the ground. Then idiot work mates come in behind me and break the moment (which in all fairness couldn't have lasted for more than a couple of seconds). I'm forced to gather my wits from all across the floor and go to my desk.

And as fate would have it, he was attending a meeting in a room not too far from where I sit. He had the voice of Angels singing to inform the shepherds of the birth in Bethlehem. But as fate would have it, I had a full day meeting booked off-site. Which was probably a good thing for my employer as I would never have gotten any work done otherwise.

I never saw him again and have no idea who he was.

That was the best work-morning I've ever had ...

Society's Unforgiving View of Singles

I've generally been settled if not a little apprehensive about my singly status, but all has generally been ok. I don't know if it's me, but of late I've been feeling the societal push on my back. Every where I go, it's this and that about marriage, couples, babies ... To be quite frank I'm getting a little sick of it all. To give you an example so you know I'm not just being a disgruntled single woman, let me walk you through a couple of instances in my weekend:

I was buying shoes and while negotiating price (I told him I didn't have the amount he'd quoted), the guy tells me na si I just call 'mzee' for m-pesa. And he goes on to give me a couple of choice tidbits about his own marriage and his wife's charming shenanigans. I smile politely and participate in the conversation, coz after all, who's not in a relationship? Right?!

I was drinking with some married guys and the conversation moved to something or other to do with family and when my opinion was sought a guy promptly chimed in "She wouldn't know; she's not a mother". I felt suitably slapped, took a deep breath and had a swallow. I know some may not understand why I was miffed, so I explain: unless we're talking about labour pains, I can have a comment on things parenthood as I live in society and pick things up. It's a bit like giving your opinion about paraplegics; you don't have to be one to have an opinion!

I went for a movie and the guy checking tickets at the door didn't quite hide his surprise as he looked around me and asked "1 only?" subtext: "You're alone???!!!??!! The horror!!"

The examples are many. And that's just this weekend! Point is, I have a hard enough time being single without having it rubbed in my face every step of the way. But I guess that's societies way of pushing for a balanced fully paired society!

Three is Company too

While I was away I learnt 3 things:

1. Love sucks
2. Always be your own Number 1
3. Pray

I was in an almost relationship that didn't work out and that, together with love, sucks. One can always seek consolation in the knowledge that there are so many relationships out there that are so fundamentally shot to hell that at times being alone sounds like a full fledged party.

Anyhoo, to lighter notes, a chick once grabbed my ass at a bar. No, she did not lightly brush against me, she was not passing in the opposite direction and accidentally graze by and she was not seeking out my wallet (seeing as I'm a girl who carries a purse). We were on a dance floor and the woman grabbed my butt! I was shocked beyond measure! Cannot begin to explain what went though my head. My reaction was I gathered my wits and avoided her like the plague seeing as she was eager to make many a pass near my rear!

So the question of the day (give me my 15 minutes of talk show hosting please) is this: what's all this about bi-curious women in Nairobi? Myth or reality? And 3-somes?

On my part, I've never been in a 3-some and was meant to experience it vicariously through a male pal who was promised a chick sandwich (though it turned out to be a hoax). What if you end up being .. you know .. a third wheel (think Ross Geller & his lesbian wife). Isn't that like the worst possible thing that could happen to your ego? And being chicks, will you spend half the time comparing your ass to hers?!

Life must be hard enough without certain other complications!