Thursday, February 10, 2011

I Don't Like Weddings

I don't like weddings.

I used to think that that was because I'm single and that it was the green eye'd monster that made me tire of them so, but I don't think so anymore. The events are just so mind numbingly boring and tireing! You take 8 months and wagon loads of cash to prepare for a 1-day event that even you don't enjoy. Pray tell, why?

Never having been a bride, I've been on a couple of line ups and its just not worth it. Please don't feel inclined to put me on your line up. Beleive me, I won't be offended! You're forced to spend so much energy, time and money on things like dresses, earings and rehersals and all for what? So that on the D-day your up at an un-Godly hour after having spent the night in the brides cramped up bedroom at her mom's house with 3/4 of her relatives? You get into the dress that cost you an arm, a leg and 2 fingers, yet you will only ever wear it once (because it's hedious and it just screams 'line-up'). You help unknown kids into outfits and wait patiently in line for your turn before the makeup 'artist' (who may leave you looking like a christmas tree). When this part is done, you endure the bride's family's shananigans while they try to bleed out what last cent they can when the groom's representatives come for her.

Depending on where it is that the bride is from, it may be a looooooong journey across town to the church, where you arrive invariably late to the irritation of the pastor/priest. The Church isn't half full as Kenyans being Kenyans have perfected the art of arriving at the Church when the service is about to end so they get directions to the reception. You go through the whole ceremony, praying that your tummy doesn't groan and betray to the gathering the fact that you're starving (you had to feed 5 kids you don't know afterwhich there was no time for you to eat).

When the church part is through, (even after the interminable pictures), you are amongst the 'lucky' few who's picture get's to be taken with the couple of the day. Depending on the level of the committee's foresight, you may again be shuttled across Nairobi to get to a picturesque location near Voi. With any luck you'll get a biting there before fighting Saturday traffic (everyone get's married on Sato) to get to the reception. At the reception, your expected to dance like one of the Sakata crew while joined by the (well fed) crowd and some dude/band specifically hired for the day (forget that they can't sing wihtout the aid of a pre-recorded CD).

It's only after all this that you finally get to settle to your first cold meal of the day. Here I don't mention the interminable speeches from relatives who think that the call to keep their speech to a maximum of 5 minutes was just a really good joke by the MC, the long wait for all to go, the arrangements on how the gifts will get to their destination, the quick rush to shower and change before the evening party/dinner and the evening party/dinner.

Before you drag anyone through all this, make sure it's actually going to be 'till death do you part' ... coz I can kill you if you choose to break up!


  1. I read this to my sis and apparently its all true, i had no idea lining up was so much fun.

  2. For me its ceremonies as a whole. Weddings of course take the biscuit.

    I do show up at a select few. Read one in the last 4 years or so. Mostly at the the reception to present a gift. I'll be the one in jeans or cargo skirts, and sky high wedge shoes.

  3. :-) i don't like weddings either or formal functions in which i HAVE to dress up a certain way and do small talk with strangers...

  4. @Shiko - No!!! And you remind me about another awful thing about weddings: you have to get all dressed up! I hate getting dressed up. Playing dress up is not a thing I do. I went out on a date jana and was surprised to find that I was expected to go home and freshen up first. People do that? For fun?!

    @Nyambura - ditto! I never really know what to say to strangers. Didn't our mothers teach us to keep away from them? Now it's called networking. The horror!

  5. :-) ohhh yes...and don't forget the shoes they claim to be 'appropriate' for the occasion...

  6. Women who hate weddings?! Arrgh, this is horrific! Almost unthinkable. But if I do marry, I hope to marry one of you :-)
    Nice read though.

  7. well i don't hate weddings, but thats because i just time the reception, eat my fill then handover my envelope with petty cash and do a Houdini act, and disassppear.

  8. In my area code you may be forced to go home and freshen up. I do that.

    Lol Wyndago. Trust you to say just that.

  9. Thank God I've never experienced that. Too much hard work.

  10. @Nyambura, don't even get me started on the heels. You spend 3 months of your life looking for 3k shoes because Bridezilla wants them to be silverish-green with the right hue of pink...

    @Wyndago lol! Clearly all is not lost! Thanks

    @Pitz you just wait until you're on the line up. It's a totally different story though it's decidedly easier for boys (they get to sip at drinks all day so are rather mellow ...)

    @Shiko, it seems I have a lot to learn. Will look for classes titled lady 101 ..

    @Cesky Cess you can certainly say that again. Your time will come (queu evil laughter) :)

  11. I hate weddings. Like really really really hate! But unfortunately, as I had posted in my blog, I'm in a pal's line up. Urgh! Reading this post makes me want to cancel that role, look for a replacement and ship out of this planet!

  12. Lol Kbaab! I'd say all is not lost ... but I'd be lying :-)

    If it makes you feel any better, I've spent the last 2 weekends attending weddings (2 on Saturday's and 1 on a Sunday). I didn't kill myself (though in all fairness, I wasn't on the line up) :-)